1. When designing a map for the bad guy's ultra high tech, top
secret base, you'll want to be sure to put an excessive amount
of poison / acid pools below small, metal suspension bridges.
This really gives off the impression that the head bad guy is
evil, because he makes his employees work in a poorly ventilated
base containing insane amounts of hazardous waste. Try to hint to
the fact that they're not given health care either. The poison
should always be colored green, because it is simply ludicrous to
think that a liquid colored brown or yellow could harm you if you
fell into it.

2. All computer monitors and screens should flash gibberish that
has absolutely no relevance to the game. Optional: monitors can
flash bizarre, alien-like looking symbols, despite the fact that the
enemies speak fluent English.

3. When placing "bonus" ammunition or items, make sure to put them
on top of extremely high ledges and platforms that are virtually
impossible to get to. This stresses realism, because if you had a box
of high explosive rockets in your home, would you place them on the
floor where babies and dogs and the neighbors could get into them? No,
you'd put them up in the rafters above your living room! It's only
common sense.

4. If adding a large number of enemies in a single group, you'll want
to put them near some object which explodes when shot. This adds a superb
element of "strategy" to the game, because only the smartest of MENSA
members will be intelligent enough to fire at the exploding object,
thereby wiping out all the bad guys!

5. Somewhere in some level, you MUST include a bridge that has either
been destroyed or is not functioning correctly, forcing the player to
seek an alternate route. Bridges seldomly function as they are supposed
to, and FPS games should reflect this.

6. Despite the fact that the bad guys are smart enough to make cyborgs
that look and act completely like humans, they shouldn't be intelligent
enough to give them human-sounding voices. All the noises they make should
sound as if they're robots from the early 1960's.

7. All aliens and daemons want to destroy Earth. That is their only goal.
Since aliens and daemons are stupid by nature, they'll try to accomplish
this by attacking with brute force, in waves and waves of brainless enemies.
Since daemons cannot use guns or firearms (it's a law or something),
they'll use brute force. All aliens have complex, futuristic weapons that
humans are somehow able to understand and figure out how to use within
seconds of picking up.

8. The smaller the white medical box, the less health it can heal up. This
is because scientists aren't able to pack in as much magical healing fairy
dust into the tinier boxes.

9. Arms manufacturers only make large amounts of ammunition for weak weapons.
As a result, you should place incredible amounts of ammo for the default
pistol around every corner, hallway, and room. If there is an "ultimate
weapon" in your game, make sure to never give out any ammo for it, because
who the hell would use a gun that kills everything at once?

10. When explosives are detonated, much like in Bugs Bunny cartoons, they
leave the surrounding area "kind of black and dirty looking".

11. Games that stress realism should also support being able to hold 50+
rounds of shotgun shells.

12. "Realism" in video game terms means "if somebody is shot in the head,
they instantly die." No other terms or conditions must be met to be considered
"realistic."

13. Enemy aliens often want to destroy the Earth because they've been driven
insane from the flashing green and red colored lighting aboard their spacecrafts.
All alien rooms and structures should have at least five light sources, each
pulsating with a different bright color. This creates "atmosphere".

14. If there is an impassible object in a small hallway, there MUST be a
ventilation duct for the player to crawl through and bypass it. There's ALWAYS
a ventilation duct, and it's ALWAYS big enough for a grown man with 300 pounds
of weapons to crawl through.

15. Bad guys, by nature, are real jerks. They should simply stand around and act
like nothing has happened if their buddy, who was right next to them, is shot
and killed.

16. Bad guys can either fight or flee, but NEVER both. Once moderately wounded,
an enemy will run in the opposite direction of their aggressor, regardless of
the area they're running into. If they come to an impassible object, they'll
run in place. If they're confined to such a small area that they are unable to
run in place, they will try to clip through nearby walls and brushes.

17. Standard grenades should never be able to kill anything, unless the player
is somehow able to throw it directly underneath the enemy, and the target is
already critically injured.

18. "Common" items, such as candy bars, sodas, and water fountains, should only
heal up a maximum of 2 points per use. Disregard the fact that in your game,
getting shot in the arm by a rifle can be completely healed with 10 candy bars
or so.

19. It is not unreasonable to think that one man could kill 80 people in under
an hour.

20. Enemy soldiers should be too stupid to know how to properly use teleporters
(by walking into them). As a result, they should simply run around near the
teleporter, as if to say, "where the hell did that guy go?!?" If they were smart,
they'd be on the player's side, not the bad guy's team.

21. All explosives flash before detonating. This is to prevent accidents wherein
somebody would be holding a lump of C4, unaware that it was activated (mostly
for the sake of the bad guys, because they're so dumb and all).

22. Bad guys should be incredibly brave. Upon the first moment they spot the main
character, they should immediately head towards where the person is located,
disregarding all possible forms of protection and cover. "Not wanting to be shot
at" is for sissies and landlubbers.

23. Bad guys with big weapons are ALWAYS fat and lumbering. Bad guys always
appear as if they've existed solely on a diet of donuts and lard for 30 years in
order to build up that "I'm fat and love wearing metal protrusions from my skin"
look. The ratio of "damaging weapon to bodily weight" is always proportional.

24. Bad guys with heavy weapons always follow the same procedure: shoot five
rockets, run around waving their arms like idiots, repeat.

25. There is only one functional button for every gigantic computer console.
Shooting the computer terminal will not result in any noticeable difference,
except perhaps the console looking "dirty". These computers are merely for
show and have no actual function.

26. Companies only produce two sizes of crates: "large" and "really large".
Large crates are used to ship small items like syringes, and really large
crates hold slightly less small items, such as a clip of 12 bullets. 

27. If the player is working for some secret, anti-terrorist group, they
should never be equipped with equivalent firepower as the bad guys they're
fighting. If the bad guys have bazookas, the player should come into battle
armed with a rifle. If the bad guys have rifles, the player should have a
pistol. If the bad guys have a pistol, the player should have some kind of
tree branch or moderately sharp playing card.

28. Evil head bad guys always love to talk about and explain their plans for
world domination. They should launch into a lengthy, detailed diatribe regarding
their plans for world conquest when the player approaches them and presses the
"use" button.

29. Trees are nothing but a large, brown stump with two intersecting sheets of
two-dimensional leaves. Bushes are simply crates with a "leafy" texture applied
to them.

30. If an item is pushable (yet cannot be destroyed), you will more than likely
have to use it to stack on another item and climb up onto something.

31. Enemies will have (at most) one evasive attack, which they will never use at
the appropriate times, often shrewdly electing to roll into walls or take cover
behind a small stone.

32. Unlike you, bad guys only carry a single weapon. You're the only person in the
entire universe that can carry more than one gun. Bad guys, on the other hand,
have an infinite supply of ammunition and the aim of a blind child with Down's
syndrome.

33. Every object, item, and entity only has two states of existence: "destroyed"
or "not destroyed". There are no intermediate states.

34. Only the most pointless of objects are destroyable: toilets, mailboxes,
trashcans, bottles, etc etc. They often contain useful items such as healthkits
and clips of ammo, which other people felt the need to store inside them for
some unknown reason. Perhaps they were in a hurry to a big important meeting,
and carrying around a bunch of bullets would just be a "faux pas".

35. When jumping, the player's character should make a sound like he's critically
constipated. This is used to alert the player to the fact that he hit the "jump"
key and isn't simply defying gravity and floating into the air for no readily
apparent reason.

36. Every enemy organization has an "experimental prototype weapon" that's kept
under top secret security. This weapon, despite not being complete, should still
be fully functional and cause high amounts of damage to whomever its used on.
"Top security" means its locked behind an iron door (or a laser wall), and the only
key resides on a tough bad guy with facial scars and a rocket launcher.

37. If the main character has an NPC partner, the partner should be ineffective and
constantly offer essentially useless information. Example: player is standing in
front of a destroyed bridge. NPC partner should radio in, saying "Oh, the bridge
has been destroyed! Looks like you'll have to find another way in!" He will offer
no additional hints or suggestions. Bonus points will be awarded if the sidekick
radios in after the main character dies, commenting, "Looks like you've been killed!"

38. Rockets for bazookas are small and lightweight. The player should be allowed to
carry a whole bunch of them, perhaps in his parachute pants.

39. Fires are localized to the immediate area. If there is a fire, it will either
stay in place or shortly extinguish itself.

40. Destructible walls are the ones that have cracks in them. Even if you're facing a
wooden door, and shoot it with a rocket launcher, it shouldn't blow up unless it has a
crack in it.

41. Money is essentially worthless. Everything of value should be found laying on the
floor or behind secret walls (except for items in really high rafters and platforms).

42. The only thing bad guys carry is their guns. They leave their wallets and jewelry
inside their lockers so they are able to run around in place like idiots better.

43. Halogen and fluorescent lights are indestructible. This is because the electric
company wants to protect their investments, and bad guys' bases generate a few billion
dollars per month in electricity bills.

44. Although guns should not usually fire underwater, players should be able to club
things to death with melee weapons. This is because water is magical and has no
frictional properties.

45. "Complex puzzles" means "stacking boxes in order to get to a higher elevation for
some reason." As a general rule, the better items and shortcuts are higher up.

46. Although players should not shoot the civilians / innocent people, you should make
them so obnoxious and obtrusive that they will really want to.

47. Attack dogs should have the exact same AI as the human bad guys, only they should
move slightly faster.

48. The government is ALWAYS evil.

49. Robots can NEVER strafe.

50. Players should have some intense gravitational attraction either to or from
ladders. Getting on or off them should be an incredibly complex task, second
only to trying to swallow the Statue of Liberty.

51. Bad guys often keep vending machines in their base. Usually the same vending
machine that you buy soda from will also sell clips of ammo.

52. Humans in a game must have a very limit set of things to say. Place the
most important thing at the end of the list, because the person will repeat it
every time the player walks nearby. 

53. Evil bad guys like to place doors ten feet above the floor of a room and
then litter crates around the area to slow oncoming attackers.

54. Evil bases and city areas often have walls that look like doors but don't open.

55. Good level design is key. Try using any kind of metal on the walls, ceiling,
and floor of your room to give it a realistic industrial look.

56. Don't forget that mood lighting means "red lights." Place lots of red
lights in areas you want your game to seem "scary."

56. Important NPCs cannot be killed no matter how many rockets you shoot at them.

57. The world is made up of three different types of people. The good guys (us),
the bad guys (them), and the people that run in circles like morons screaming
"dont kill me".

58. Fans make people fly when jump over them because they are magical, and can
somehow create a wind powerful enough to shoot a guy with two tons of various
guns about 100 feet in the air.

59. Bad guys can't swim. It's an universal rule. Breaking this rule would
provoke WWIII.

60. All women have big tits and wander in the streets in bikinis. Ugly women
only exist in foreign countries.

61. Most evil bases / prisons use a single mainframe computer to control one
door; find this computer and you've got it made!

62. All alien motherships can be destroyed by killing the head alien, who is
required by alien law to have at least one "ultimate form" he can transform
into after being hit with enough rockets. Alien motherships are made this way
because, obviously, without the head alien's superb leadership and amazing
defense strategies (both of which can be easily bypassed by one soldier with a
starting pistol), it would be laughable to think that the alien invasion had
any chance left of succeeding whatsoever.

63. If your base has security cameras and alarms, make sure that after an enemy
is spotted by the security cams, the alarm turns itself off after 60 seconds of
noise, just like real world security systems.

64. If a guard cannot find you after the alarm goes off, make sure that he goes
back to exactly what he was doing before the 60 second period. Even if you've set
off the alarm 50 times before, he knows (like REAL guards) that there COULDN'T be
anyone there.

65. Female specific body armor only protects the breasts, sholders and shins.
The stomach is left bare because stomach shots take forever to die from, so it is
better to put the armor in a location it will do better, like the C- breast metal
cup that somehow fits all women.

66. All enemies will die in one of no more than three ways. They will either
crouch over and moan, fall backwards while holding their torso, or explode into
hundreds of juicy gibblets. Most will die in the latter manner, as bodies tend to
burst outward when shot or hit with a crowbar.

67. In the event that the player is not wearing a distinct uniform, the bad guys
will automatically know he is the enemy because he isn't standing around doing
absolutely nothing like they are.

68. Under no circumstances can the player turn his head independent of his body.

69. All high-ranking villains must possess some sort of idiosyncrasy that
distinguishes them from everybody else around. A peculiar pet, speech impediment,
odd fashion accessory, desire to seize power wherever it may be, etc. will do
the job nicely.

70. All enemies of the hero must have the same 3 voices and 7 things to shout,
barring the high-ranking villains. Aliens and the undead may utter random muffled
grunts or piercing screeches.

71. All calendars in a game must feature bikini babes alongside cars or the beach.

72. If the hero is a member of an army, squad, unit, or protective force, all
teammates must die except those with a masterful grasp of the obvious. "The boss
must have the key to the next floor!"

73. If you run out of level design ideas, just make some stupid platforms that
move around in midair. This way the player actually wastes a lot of time getting
over these platforms, giving him the impression that the map was big.

74. Characters that fall off into space must scream loudly as they fall, just in
case the game scientists figure out how to make sound travel through a vacuum.

75. In accordance with the industrial look given in rule #55 by Greenmarine, be
sure to hire only industrial music artists to score the game. We all know that if
real life had a soundtrack, it'd be written by rivetheads.

76. Every other FPS game that is released must feature ventriloquist people. These
characters do not move their mouths when talking, but instead make up for it by
wildly flailing their arms about, as if controlling an invisible dummy.

77. In third world cities/towns, place random, pointless animals (chickens,
squirrels, etc.) and make them explode when shot.

78. Armor comes in only one style: wifebeater. Also, it will protect head, limbs
and torso equally well, even in lava and outer space.

79. If any character in the game smokes a cigarette, he or she is (or will be) a
bad guy. If your character smokes a cigarette, you are a badass with a heart of
gold. Corollary: Cigars may not be smoked by thin people ever.

80. Although the bad guys may have an indestructible metal to make their doors,
pipes and railings out of, under no circumstances should their robots be built
from this same metal.

81. It is perfectly acceptable, when designing a base, to put the button to open
the door to the main control room 3 stories down, behind armed guards, in a sewer
filled with deadly tentacles. The door will only, of course, stay open for 60
seconds. The journey from the button to the door should take no more than 45 seconds.

82. You can still reload a bazooka while climbing a ladder. This also applies
to ropes.

83. Once the main character has entered a dungeon or military base through a
certain door, it immediately fuses shut and can no longer be used for any purpose
at all.

84. The lack of visible guards in the same room as an important object is directly
proportional to the number of hidden or enclosed guards nearby. Example: if there are
two Gigantium Ripper Sentinels stationed in front of the yellow keycard, the keycard
can be retrieved safely. If Ed from accounting is stationed in front of the yellow
keycard, you will be crushed like an anemic mosquito the instant you step into the room.

85. Obsidian is not the strongest material known to man - brushes are.

86. If an enemy is running, under no circumstances should they ever stop running,
not even if your main character kneels before them and drop your weapons.

87. Your main character should be capable of eating at least ten "bags of chips" a second.

88. In the future, there will be one type of pistol and one type alone.

89. Shadows should make your main character invisible but other characters entering
those same shadows should still be highly noticeable.

90. 9mm Submachinegun bullets are much weaker than 9mm Pistol bullets.

91. If health is restored by eating or drinking, all food items should be perfectly
safe to eat, no matter where they were found. If the player finds a steak on the floor
of the bathroom behind a toilet, he will eat it because it is sterile and germ free.
Whether you defeat a caveman and find a sandwich in his filthy bearhide loincloth,
or whether it's fruit growing from a pool of glow-in-the-dark chemicals, it's all
perfectly fine and socially acceptable to wolf down.

92. Make sure that every upgrade or release for your game resets all of the control
bindings to default, and sets the multiplayer name to "Player" or "Bonehead".

93. The boundaries of your game should be clearly defined and "realistic." To
achieve this, place several two foot high rocks around the player's spawn point and
he will understand that there's no getting over them.

94. There is usually some 'artifact' that you have to collect, but the bad guy must
always split it into 4 or more pieces throughout his evil domain. Each piece is
guarded by some warlord type guy who wears a leather thong and has a huge axe type
weapon. He must also be surrounded by 'lesser' minions who run at you no matter what
happens, and there must be flying enemies at these points too - who must have lasers
and nothing else.

95. Really smart enemies will always carry explosives on their backs.

96. Don't ever put any useful commands like FOV in the options menu. Force people
to go to an external website to read up on them. Make sure to keep the command
names different for every game.

97. Laser pistols are weak and slow. A laser beam looks like a small meteor, but
travels at a very slow speed so the aliens can dodge it and appear to be smart.
"Advanced" weapons that use alien technology shoot projectiles that travel at much
faster speeds, because they're not dumb enough to use lasers.

98. If you must protect an NPC while they perform a critical function such as
examining the nacho cheese left behind by the arch-villian, in the "moderate"
difficulty setting she should die as soon as a bad guy even looks at her. If you
play in the "hard" setting, she should actually attack you before committing suicide.

99. If the player spends five minutes underwater and his oxygen supply is almost
empty, spending approximately one nanosecond above water should allow him to fully
recatch his breath and spend another few hours underwater.

100. If the map takes place in a city, only the bad parts of town should be shown.
The good parts of a city (theater districts, commercial zones, residential areas)
are only for fancy games.