Rules of Online Play 1. If you acquire a Quad Damage-type weapon powerup with a limited lifespan, the map will suddenly be absolutely deserted of other players until you have half a milisecond of powerup left, at which time you will find the room where everyone else on the map was hanging out and playing Magic: The Gathering. Then they'll kill you. 2. If you use an elevator, no matter what you do, you will be facing the wrong way when it reaches its destination and you'll get shot in the anus. 3. Your unstoppable kill-crazy rampage will be ended when you're killed by someone with one point of health, using the weakest weapon in the game. 4. Remaining in the same place with a sniper rifle for more than 0.5 of a microsecond will cause everyone on the map to accuse you of being a "CAMPING FAGOT" and saturate your hideout with rockets. 5. If you are on a ledge with a rocket launcher, firing it at anyone below you will cause the rocket to go off in your face as it impacts with a rogue air molecule. 6. Your opponents are perfectly safe from your 10,000 RPM Vulcan cannon if they take cover behind a wire fence. 7. If you have journeyed across the entire map to get to your favorite weapon, it will be snatched up by someone else when you're half a centimeter away from it. They will then kill you with it and wee on your carcass. 8. You will respawn directly in front of somebody with a double-barrelled shotgun. 9. Sniper rifles turn the other players into Jude Law in Enemy At The Gates, but they turn YOU into an Imperial Stormtrooper. 10. If at any point you try to communicate with teammates or opponents via the keyboard, you will automatically be shot through the head. 11. Enormous fatal drops in first person shooters exert a powerful magnetic field which attracts you specifically. 12. When you are craftily hiding out in a concealed position waiting to zap somebody using your freshly-acquired best weapon in the game, someone will come up behind you and kill you by bashing you over the head with the worst one. 13. The only actual player class in team-based first person shooters is Sniper. All the other classes are figments of your imagination. 14. If you are in a nailbiting close-combat machine gun battle with another player, you will handily suffer five seconds of lag at precisely the worst possible moment, causing you to freeze helplessly in the air while the other player shoots you in the cock five hundred thousand times. 15. Choosing a low-key colour scheme for the purposes of camouflage is pointless, as all the other players have their graphics set up so that they see all the other players as fat clowns in pink jumpsuits with glow-in-the-dark targets on their foreheads. 16. Gigeresque "Biological" alien weapons are shit. Especially if they fire insects. 17. Experimental energy weapons are useless Star Trek bollocks. 18. You will only have the opportunity to use your super-powered nuclear weapon when doing so will cause you to melt as well as your enemy. 19. Everyone else on the map has been playing the game since it was a primitive addon for Pac Man, and hence know exactly where every single powerup and weapon is, whilst you can just about manage to find the awful biological insect-gun and "health vial" that gives you one extra hit point. 20. Your grenades aren't ready for life away from home yet, which is why they always come back to bum money off you and explode in your face. 21. Nobody on your Capture The Flag team gives a rat's ass about the enemy flag, as it gets in the way of their sniping. On the contrary, the entire other team is composed of ex-SAS assassins capable of capturing your flag three times every ten seconds. 22. Remember to travel with your team in close formation, as the gib-shower will amuse the enemy greatly when you all share the same grenade. 23. When your currently equipped weapon runs out of ammo, you'll automatically switch to the weapon most likely to kill you if you fire it. 24. Your combat skills are directly proportional to the number of confusing esoteric symbols and references to The Matrix/gangsta rap/death/Insane Clown Posse your stupid nickname contains. Command respect with names like "[{HardKoreKiLLahKlownz}]MorpheusMan2002-X". Warning: Having a name like this makes you a tosser. 25. When sniping, bare in mind that due to lag, the player in your crosshairs is actually an image of where they were ten minutes ago. Since they were there they've actually killed everyone and won the game, but you haven't realised yet due to your lag-induced timewarp. 26. Additionally, every time you actually manage to kill someone, the mischevious Internet Gods "FUKIN LAG" and "AIMBOT" are to blame, and the person in question will forget the game in order to flame you for twenty minutes, during which time the most shockingly obscene statements you've ever heard will be thrown at you. When they kill you in revenge, it's because "U SUK" and "IM HARDCORE", and they'll stage a four-hour victory ceremony complete with parade and speech. 27. trying to coordinate your teammates in team-based games results in them mercilessly flaming you for the next 2 hours for being a BOSSY F4G 28. all your teammates plans usually involve that you have to do the most dangerous shit ever... alone...with only a melee weapon... 29. your team will be holding a freestyle rap showdown with each other on the mics while the flag is on the way back to the other base 30. Whenever your zoomed in on a spot where you know someone is, waiting for them to come out... The second you give up and unzoom they will come out and cap you. 31. If you use jump for anything besides getting onto a box our out of a window, be prepared to be called a "bunny h0pign fagot" 32. If you see an ungibbed corpse, you must fire at it with whatever weapon you have until it explodes into a flurry of blood and guts. 33. Every Clan/server/person/neuron has their own complex set of restrictive rules for every single game mode on every single map, including "no getting on the box u fag", "no following me u fag", "no shooting if im not looking u fag" "no headshotz u fag", "no capping without tellin us u fag", and, most importantly, "no usin the fuckin machinegun, u machinegun fag". 34. Homosexuals are commonly distrusted due to their super powers in video-games. Thus, every good player is assumed to be a "gh3y m4n-c0ck e47ing f4g!". 35. You have learned that patience is a virtue, and will therefor take your sweet ass time reloading a weapon, regardless of what is happening around you. 36. The team you pick will ALWAYS be terrible. Then, if you switch teams, your new team will become terrible. 37. Always join the winning team or the team that has the most players on it. No, really. Go ahead. No one minds. YOU FUCKTARD. 38. If there should ever be a certain vehicle/weapon that is critical for your team winning, it will be wasted within the first 5 seconds of an assault to the tune of "rofl" and "lmao" 39. Regardless of how much training your elite counter-terrorist character has gone through, he never be able to both move and fire accurately at the same time regardless of the distance between yourself and the enemy. 40. Killing somebody who is standing in plain site typing a sixty-two word report on the nature of mankind is obviously wrong and punishable by ban. All deathmatch games are largely misunderstood to be an arena of carnage not high-end chat room clients like the developers intended.