ARIES (Mar23-Apr22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
general dipshit. 

TAURUS (Apr23-May22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You're
nothing but a damned communist. 

GEMINI (May23-Jun22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on
incest. 

CANCER (Jun23-Jul22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is
why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone
in prison is a Cancer. 

LEO (Jul23-Aug22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy
masturbation more than sex. 

VIRGO (Aug23-Sep22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your family, friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and ofter fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus
drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep23-Oct22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality.
If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of
Venereal Diseases.

SCORPIO (Oct22-Nov22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are
murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov23-Dec22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians
are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit. 

CAPRICORN (Dec23-Jan22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself. 

AQUARIUS (Jan 23-Feb22)
You have an intuitive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone thinks you are a fucking asshole. 

PISCES (Feb23-Mar22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick
to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.